


Give To Me Sweet Sacred Bliss

by TrekBec82



Series: Ineffable Husbands [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Kissing Lessons, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 13:29:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20507792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekBec82/pseuds/TrekBec82
Summary: An interlude set during the New Year's party of part 7, in which Beelzebub teaches Gabriel to kiss.





	Give To Me Sweet Sacred Bliss

**Author's Note:**

> This is the end, folks. It's been one heck of a wild ride, and I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.
> 
> The title comes from Suck My Kiss, by Red Hot Chili Peppers. It seemed an appropriate choice for these two.
> 
> If you'd like to follow me on Tumblr - where I share loads of Good Omens posts and a sprinkling of other things - you can do so at [TrekBec82](http://trekbec82.tumblr.com/).
> 
> You can find the complete playlist on [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXBALksKVRE0QnK7MkfT0Wu7AqwvW-sqr), or missing a couple of tracks on [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/57Aag4R1ErApCWdOAkxdZX?si=VnOuJJlXQOKNuZjSH99veA).

_"Meet me under the willow tree in five minutezzz…"_

Gabriel was standing under the sheltering canopy of the willow tree at the bottom of Aziraphale and Crowley's yard, waiting for Beelzebub. Willingly - one might even go so far as to say eagerly - awaiting kissing lessons from the Prince of Hell. Assuming that’s what they were intending. What was the world coming to? He'd gatecrashed this party under the pretense of delivering news, but actually wondering what was so special about it that Michael had insisted on attending, and then discovered that Michael and Haniel were far more than colleagues - more even than simply friends - they had kissed at midnight, and they had _clearly known what they were doing!!!_

Gabriel on the other hand had simply grabbed the only other person not already kissing someone, and planted his lips on theirs. The fact that the person in question had been Beelzebub should have horrified him, but it hadn't - until Their Lordship slapped him, and demanded to know what he thought he was doing. To then be forced to reveal that it was his first kiss had been humiliating beyond all belief, but the last thing Beelzebub had said - whispered directly into his ear - had been to meet them here. And so here he stood, nervously hoping to learn something that the young people at the party had mastered years earlier. 

He heard a rustle of leaves, and turned to see Beelzebub, looking at him curiously as though he were an intriguing new species of fly.  
"I wazzz not certain you would come. I am surprizzzed at you, Gabriel. You were alwayzzz such a know-it-all, yet now you admit you don’t know how to kizzz. And here you are, waiting for me. Are you planning on Falling?"  
"No, no, not planning on Falling, just thought...well...there's a saying the humans have - you learn something new every day. And it seems like something I should learn. Since even Michael knows how, apparently."  
"You're jealouzzz!"  
"What? No. Not jealous. Just. I…"  
"You forget, Gabriel. I can senzzze vizzzezzz. You are full of them. Pride. Envy. Luzzzzzzzt."  
"Lust? I-- is this what lust feels like?"  
"You WANT me!" Beelzebub crowed. "Oh how the mighty have fallen! Gabriel, former leader of the Choirzzz of Heaven, wantzzz me!" They laughed at the irony, and at the look on Gabriel's face as he realised the truth in their words. 

"I had no idea. How do humans get anything DONE, if this is how they feel?" Gabriel asked.  
"Practizzze, mostly. Delayed gratification, often. Sometimezzz they don't. Sometimezzz they sit gaaazzzing at nothing, thinking of what they would like to do. And sometimezzz they act on it. You know that!" Beelzebub answered.  
"Well yes, in theory I know all of that, but the experience is rather different. Like kissing. I know the theory, but putting it into practice is apparently not the same thing."  
"No, foolish angel, it izzz not the same. Kizzzing izzz not just lipzzz againzzzt lipzzz. It takezzz two whole bodiezzz to do it properly. Sometimezzz more. Orgiezzz are one of our specialtiezzz. Why kizzz one when you can kizzz many?"  
"Uh. No. I. Uh. Um." Gabriel muttered incoherently.  
"Don't worry, idiot - you would not be welcome at an orgy until you learn much more than kizzzing. You are safe - for now!" Beelzebub reassured him, laughing.  
"Oh. Well. Good. Excellent."  
"Now. The kizzzing. You don't just mash your fazzze againzzzt a perzzzon. And you certainly don't mash without azzzking firzzzt, it izzz rude!"  
"I can't believe what I’m hearing! Since when do you care about being RUDE?" 

"Temptation izzz a subtle art! It izzz an exzzzacting scienzzze! The bezzzt temptation izzz one they WANT! We do not forzzze ourzzzelvezzz on people!"  
"What about torments? They're part of your job description too!" Gabriel argued.  
"Tormentzzz are for thozzze already IN Hell. Being in Hell izzz warning enough!"  
"Alright, alright, calm down!"  
"Do not tell me to calm down, fool. You think you underzzztand uzzz but you know nothing of what it meanzzz to be a demon, leazzzt of all me. Crowley focuzzzed on widezzzpread inconvenienzzzezzz, but that is not the way it should be done. It should be perzzzonal, it should be prezzzizzze. Crowley uzzzed bombzzz. I uzzze a delicate scalpel."  
"You take pride in your work, then?"  
"Of courzzze! Azzz we all should! Why do it at all if you refuzzze to do it well?" 

"Which brings us back to kissing. Was I really that bad? The first time - not the nose bashing, I know that one was bad." Gabriel asked.  
"I have kizzzed Popezzz who kizzzed better than you do," Beelzebub told him.  
"You've never!"  
"I have! Not for many yearzzz, but I have. The current one izzz too good. The lazzzt one wazzz too dull. But in yearzzz gone by, when Popezzz took what they wanted…" Beelzebub reminisced.  
"Am I really so awful at it?"  
"Yezzz. But by the time I'm finished, you will kizzz better than any other angel…exzzzept perhapzzz Azzziraphale - he izzz the only other angel trained by a demon, and hazzz had much practizzze." 

Aziraphale would have blushed crimson had he heard this, but thankfully he was still at the party proper, at the top of the yard near the house. Gabriel did not particularly enjoy being compared to others - least of all when the comparison was to his own detriment - but was determined to become at least the best kisser amongst those angels still belonging to Heaven. If he could do this better than Michael, it would be worth the effort. Surely Michael was above lust for Haniel, but it seemed likely that Aziraphale lusted for Crowley, and Gabriel wondered if it was similar to how he currently felt about Beelzebub. Though Aziraphale and Crowley were married, so presumably any lust Aziraphale felt would be twinned with love, and therefore not a Falling sin. Gabriel would need to tread carefully, if what Beelzebub had told him was true. To have vices in sufficient quantities that a demon could sense them was far from a good sign for an angel. 

Beelzebub began the lesson with a sneer. "Right, idiot. Come clozzzer."  
Gabriel took a step closer to the demon, and looked at them expectantly.  
Beelzebub rolled their eyes. "Clozzzer."  
Gabriel took another small step, but was still a full arm's reach from Beelzebub.  
"Stand right here in front of me, dumbazzzzzz."  
Gabriel stood toe-to-toe with Beelzebub, arms at his sides and a frown on his face. He didn't particularly like being called "idiot" or "dumbass".  
"Better. Now you dolt, put one hand on my shoulder, and the other on my waizzzt, azzz if we had been danzzzing."  
Gabriel did as instructed, the crease between his eyes deepening. He didn't enjoy "dolt" either.  
"OK dipzzztick, clozzze your eyezzz and wipe that frown off your forehead. You can't kizzz properly if you're squinting at me."  
"Well stop calling me names then!" Gabriel retorted, finally losing his cool enough to respond.  
"I'll stop calling you namezzz when you pazzz kizzzing school."  
Realising that this was surprisingly fair by demonic standards, Gabriel decided to accept further taunting without comment - and to improve as rapidly as possible. 

"Now let's see if someone azzz moronic azzz you can follow the rezzzt of my instructionzzz. Clozzze your eyezzz."  
Gabriel closed them, asking "why?" as he did so.  
"Becauzzze that izzz what humanzzz do. Juzzzt do azzz you're told!"  
"OK, OK, I'm just trying to understand. Yeesh!"  
"Underzzztand silently, dope."  
Gabriel stood silently, awaiting the next insult. Instead, he felt lips pressed briefly to his own. He opened his eyes to check, and sure enough, Beelzebub had just kissed him.  
"Eyezzz clozzzed! Do not open them until I tell you, nitwit!"  
Gabriel closed his eyes again, and felt Beelzebub place their hands on his arms, holding him in place.  
Again, lips pressed briefly to his, then a second and third time in quick succession.  
"Eyezzz open, and pay attention. When I kizzz you, you need to kizzz back. Juzzzt azzz I do. Start slowly. Knocking teeth together izzz bad. Too much tongue or tongue too early izzz bad. No tongue at all izzz chazzzte - that’zzz for friendly kizzzing, or kizzzing in front of small children and old ladiezzz - it’zzz not luzzzty kizzzing. Clozzze eyezzz.”  
Beelzebub kissed Gabriel once more, and this time Gabriel hesitantly kissed back.  
“Eyezzz open. Shy izzz OK at the start, but if you stay shy the kizzzing will stop. Eyezzz clozzzed.”

Beelzebub kissed Gabriel again, and Gabriel kissed back a little more confidently. They continued - gradually warming up, mouths opening a little - and Gabriel moved the hand from Beelzebub’s shoulder to their neck. Beelzebub pressed up against Gabriel, removing the remaining space between them, and slid their tongue between Gabriel’s lips, licking the top one just slightly. With that barest hint of tongue, an instinct lying dormant within Gabriel’s more-or-less-human corporation awoke, and he found himself kissing properly at last. Beelzebub ran their hands up Gabriel’s arms, stroking his neck and mussing his perfectly coiffed hair. Gabriel moved the hand at Beelzebub’s waist to their lower back, holding them close, and stroked their jaw with the thumb of the other hand. They moved their tongues deftly into one another’s mouths, still tasting of the champagne they’d drunk whilst making toasts before the new year began. 

After some time, Beelzebub broke the kiss.  
“That izzz much better. Now I can stop calling you namezzz. Unlezzz calling you namezzz will make you kizzz me again - then I may never stop calling you namezzz, now that you know what you’re doing.”  
“Call me names. Call me anything you want, as long as it means I can keep kissing you, Beelzebub. Please, call me names,” Gabriel pleaded.  
“Idiot.”  
Gabriel kissed Beelzebub briefly.  
“Moron.”  
Gabriel kissed them a little longer.  
“Halfwit.”  
Gabriel kissed them briefly again.  
“Gormless twit.”  
Gabriel groaned and kissed Beelzebub properly, cupping their face in his hands. He slid his tongue into their mouth, massaging theirs with his own and licking the inner sides of their front teeth, completely losing himself to the sensation of kissing the Prince of Hell.

A noise from outside the privacy of the willow startled them and they broke the kiss suddenly, releasing each other and taking two steps apart. Both peeked out to see what had interrupted them, and Gabriel found a small white rabbit - no doubt trying to escape one of Aziraphale’s mundane magic tricks he’d heard so much about. With twin sighs of relief they rushed back together, and Beelzebub leapt into Gabriel’s arms, wrapping their legs about his waist, and their arms around his neck. Gabriel grasped Beelzebub’s hips, and turned to press their back against the trunk of the tree, once again following instinct and getting lost in their shared passion.

When they next surfaced for air (which they didn’t really need), Gabriel rubbed his cheek against Beelzebub’s, and said “If there’s anything else you want to teach me, I’m all ears.”  
“There are MANY thingzzz I could teach you, sinzzze you’re not such a dumbazzz after all,” they buzzed.  
“Oh good. Good. Please. Teach me, Beelz. Teach me everything you know,” Gabriel panted.  
“I cannot teach you EVERYTHING I know, you are not a Prinzzze of Hell. But I can teach you the pleazzzurezzz of the flesh.”  
“Please, Beelz. I want...”  
“I know exzzzactly what you want, idiot - I can feel the luzzzt coming off you in wavezzz. If you don’t tone it down a notch you’re going to attract Dagon’zzz attention.”  
“Sorry, can’t help it. Never felt like this before. How do I ‘tone it down a notch’ exactly?”  
“Put me down, for starterzzz. You’re so turned on you’ve inadvertently Made An Effort, and it’zzz digging into me.”  
“Oh! Is that what that is?” Gabriel asked.  
“You’ve never Made An Effort before?” Beelzebub queried, eyebrows raised.  
“No, never. Never had a need for one until now.”  
“Satan help me, you’re going to need so many lezzzonzzz I’ll get no work done at all.”  
“Is that such a bad thing?” Gabriel asked, nuzzling at Beelzebub’s neck.  
“No. You’re a dezzzent student. And I am an EXZZZELLENT teacher.”

They continued kissing practice, stopping for breaks any time Gabriel got enthusiastic enough to make Beelzebub worry about Dagon interrupting. As luck would have it, it was during one of these rest breaks that Newt stuck his head through the branches of the willow, and found them sitting on neighbouring boughs talking. “Ah, there you are! I wondered where you two had got to, and hoped you hadn’t come to blows. That wouldn’t be a very auspicious way to start the new year, after all!”  
“We have merely been talking. Azzziraphale and Crowley did so azzz adverzzzariezzz for millennia before they became friendzzz. Someday we might manage to be friendzzz alzzzo. We are going to try,” Beelzebub explained.  
Trying to look like this wasn’t news to him, Gabriel agreed. “We’re trying to let bygones be bygones.”  
“Well I bet the others will be very glad to hear that!” Newt said cheerfully, and started walking back up the yard.  
“We should probably join them,” Beelzebub said quietly.  
“We probably should,” Gabriel replied.  
Standing up, he walked the few paces to where the demon sat, and kissed them gently. “Teach me the other things another time?” he requested.  
“Pick a time and a plazzze - I’ll be there to teach you. Now we need to straighten ourselvezzz up or everyone will know what we’ve been doing. Not everybody izzz azzz unobzzzervant azzz Newton Pulzzzifer.”

After smoothing their hair and clothing into place they walked up the yard to rejoin the party - but as Beelzebub had said, not everyone was as unobservant as Newt. Crowley immediately noticed their kiss-swollen lips. Aziraphale and Michael sensed their contentment. Dagon sensed their lust. The six youngest guests all recognised new love, or something like it. And Anathema saw their auras, which told a story she recognised, and hoped to see again and again and again - until one day, far in the future, the Caretakers of Earth would equal in number the Choirs of Heaven and the Torments of Hell.

**Author's Note:**

> **Songs with "kiss" in the title:**
> 
> [Suck My Kiss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6jElKMMOWM) \- Red Hot Chili Peppers  
[Kiss Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N-qO3sPMjc) \- Sixpence None the Richer  
[Kiss Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqfRCPLOEcA) \- Ed Sheeran  
[Kiss From a Rose](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMD2TwRvuoU) \- Seal  
[Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me](https://youtu.be/IDl1c0nR5SI) \- U2  
[This Kiss](https://youtu.be/WI7v36a92LU) \- Faith Hill  
[I Kissed a Girl](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs) \- Katy Perry  
[A Kiss to Build a Dream On](https://youtu.be/fHjZQb-kGek) \- Louis Armstrong  
[Could I Have This Kiss Forever](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsfj9j0kjoU) \- Whitney Houston & Enrique Iglesias  
[Kiss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9tEvfIsDyo) \- Prince  
[Kiss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uZQFOfMSfY) \- Tom Jones & Art of Noise  
[Kiss](https://youtu.be/SoELyytEQNU) \- Julia Roberts - Pretty Woman  
[Kiss/Heartbreak Hotel](https://youtu.be/XxHtl9PWVpg) \- Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman - Happy Feet


End file.
